i'm so fucking sorry

Elements of an Effective Apology, according to Marsha L. Wagner, Columbia University, 1999.

An apology is a powerful means of reconciliation and restoring trust. However, sometimes even well-intentioned apologies can exacerbate a conflict. It may be helpful to consider what elements to include in a statement of apology to make it most effective and constructive. Not all elements apply to all situations. Some of the most common considerations include the following: 

1. A common understanding of the exact substance and nature of the offense, or perceived offense. 

Last year when I opened this substack, I declared I would be posting bi-monthly. I even stated that at some point in the year, I would add in erotic flash fiction. I did neither. In the new year, I said that I would be posting “ a few times a month.” The year is still young but as of this moment, this too has not proven to be the case. 

2. Recognition of responsibility or accountability on the part of the one who offended. (Example: “I could have chosen other words.” “I spoke without thinking.”) 

I could have chosen not to set or share any standards or expectations. Perhaps I typed without reflecting on the balancing I would have to do, to manage my time, energy and creativity between life and work and parenting and loving and my paid writing time and my unpaid writing time. 

3. Acknowledgement of the pain or embarrassment that the offended party experienced. (Example: “It’s understandable that was upsetting to you.” “If someone had said that to me, I would not have liked it, either.” But not, “I’m sorry you’re so easily hurt.”)

It’s understandable if you are upset. I have not lived up to the expectations that I set for myself and then shared with all of you. I mean - accountability, right? I mean, if I subscribed to a free newsletter that I contributed no financing towards, I too would be off-put at best, if the writer chose to prioritize paying work and time with their child and partner while simultaneously grieving over the death of their father over doggedly sitting at the writing bench every week in an effort to build their brand, their voice, their compilation of opinions on society, culture and politics into a weekly little bundle of love and effort and just enough humor to cover the grief of it all. Impact over intent. Impact over intent. 

4. A judgment about the offense. (Example: “I was insensitive.” “What I did was wrong.”)

I was careless. I gave you promises and then broke them with reckless abandonment. 

5. A statement of regret. (Example: “I’m sorry I used those words.”) 6. An indication of future intentions. (Example: “In the future, I will try to think about the impact of my words before speaking.” “I hope we can have a relationship of mutual respect.”) 

In the future, I will think about my “bandwidth” before setting goals. From now on, I will consider the impact on you, dear reader, of the anxiety that comes along with waiting for a post, for one week, two weeks, one month, and on - that seems to never actually appear. I’m so fucking sorry for letting you all down. I’m so fucking sorry for letting myself down as well. I hope moving forward, you can learn to trust in me again. I hope I can learn to trust myself as well. I hope you can hold space for me to grow and and evolve as I too learn to be a better person. One who can deliver to her substack content in a timely fashion. Thank you, and again, I’m so very fucking sorry.